At what point do you think the parents’ are giving their kids enough rope to hang themselves? Going off another question about kids’ choice in hair styles. I agree with that and will let my son wear his hair how he pleases, but around here, if a guy has long hair, he will not be hired at many jobs. Kids wouldn’t be allowed at school. Same goes with tattoos. If a person is tattooed, they would have to comply and wear full length clothing and bandages. I’m all about letting a child have freedom in who they are, but at what point does a parent stop becoming a parent and do you think some parents’ preoccupation with making sure their children are completely free individuals are instead teaching them that there will be no rules of appearance when they get older, no reason to be somewhere on time, and that it is okay to just float through life on a cloud and never have to fit in with “society”
Not only the hair question (because like I say, I agree with that) but I’m just looking at kids’ my stepdaughter’s age and how many of them are helpless because they have been given control their whole lives. What they wear, what they do, how they do it, where they go, when they wake up, (her included) and I just don’t want my son to end up so desperately dependent on us like her and so many of the other kids I have seen her age. She has always been the artsy type and so are her friends, and we always gave her complete control over her body, life and choices, and it has got us nowhere, because we were always there to bail her out, even though we *knew* the decision she was making was bad. Whether it was her quitting a job because they didn’t allow her nose ring, or her not thinking it was important for her to get up, because her body health and sleep is more important, or forking out hundreds of dollars on her organic specially ordered food, because she is vegan and against “the corporation”. All good ideas in theory, but it just ended up costing her jobs, and us money, and now she knows nothing of financial or work responsibility, but she is a fabulous intellectual. Then I wonder, where that will get her? I love her as my own child and would do anything in the world for her and I am so proud of how smart she is, but she has a complete lack of respect for rules, and thinks that everyone should be free to do as they please, and quit when they want. I have been her “mom” since she was 9, so most of this is my fault, but I just always thought she should be in control of her life and style and didn’t and still don’t mind making sure she has money to buy the specific foods she likes and clothing she wants.
Completely long, and I’m sorry, but I’m having a look back on the last 9 years and wondering if I did her good, or if *I* should have been in more control, and now that I am raising one from birth, it makes me wonder about how much control a child should really have in their life until they are 18?
Does Your Child Have Complete Control Over Their Lives And Bodies? (very Long)?
By admin Posted in: Uncategorized
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
See More Infomations
New Articles in Category
More Interesting Things
©2011 Dumps, All rights reserved.
I am not sure how you are making the link between independence and dependence the two are mutually exculsive.
As far as your step daughter goes I believe her problem is that she never really had independence. What she had was all the benefits of being independent and none of the responsibilities that goes with it. The key is to make them live with their decisions.
***
Yeah I was trying to say what Des said. Thanks des for clearing up my thoughts.
to the guilt issue — cut yourself a break. we all do what makes sense to us at the time and there’s nothing else we can do. it’s obviously not a clear-cut issue. and any parent whose kids reach teen years but doesn’t have a single regret is sticking their head in the sand.
to the control issue — maybe one way to look at it is that it’s probably a good idea to let a child have control, but only as long as the consequences of their mistakes would not be so huge that as a parent you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from bailing them out of the trouble they’d gotten into. if they screw up and can step up and face the consequences, good for them: learning experience. otherwise it might be better for the parent to step in and save them from themselves before the mistake than to be rescuing them later and thereby teaching the lesson that there actually aren’t any consequences for their decisions.
I don’t remember my parents ever putting any restrictions on me. I don’t remember ever having a curfew, I don’t remember having many rules around the house at all. But all of my siblings knew what was expected of us. Our parents were always telling us how they felt about certain things, and what they would like to see us do. Maybe it was just because we were all mild tempered people. None of us really broke any rules. In our house it was common courtesy to call in at ten if we weren’t home by then to let my parents know where we were and when we would be home, but I don’t remember that being a rule. All of my siblings are extremely responsible people with strong morals that were instilled in us by our parents. I don’t know how we got to be that way. And I’m sure that method of parenting wouldn’t work with every child, but my parents have successfully raised 11 children without any major catastrophe. Honestly I don’t know how they did it, and I’m a bit concerned about how I’m going to raise my children because I can’t figure out how they did it. I have amazing parents, and I know that I’m not going to be able to live up to what they did. Somehow they were able to give us the illusion of having complete control without us doing anything crazy.
I make some of the decisions. The reason she has a parent is because someone has to be around to teach her how to do things, and teach her about consequences. I am always talking to her about the choices we make, and the consequences that follow, and how you have to consider that when you choose something.
She wants to take the DS to school. Okay, Maddie, but when the DS comes back broken because you let your friends play with it, you will be the one that does not have a DS, and I will not be buying a new one. Suddenly, the DS doesn’t have to go to school.
A better way to go for your example would have been to say, sure, you can quit your job because they won’t let you wear a nose ring, but then how will you pay for your special organic food? Not working has consequences.
The world won’t accomodate your child. You have to teach them that.
When they turn 18 and/or move out of my house, they can do whatever they want. I actually am not the one that will dictate my sons’ hairstyles, it’s their school. BUT, I am the one who chooses where they go to school, so I guess that would be me after all. They are allowed/will be allowed to make plenty of decisions for themselves…what sports/activities to play or not play…what clothes to wear outside of their school uniform…where to work or not work…what to do with the money they earn…
Tattos and piercings? When they are legally old enough to make that decision for themselves (18).
In reference to your SD, I think the majority of that may just be her personality, not the way she was raised. I probably wouldn’t be doling out the money to support her, though.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Being 18 doesn’t automatically make her mature, and I think her problem is more one of maturity than helplessness. And the fact is, you can’t control them beyond a certain age, no matter how hard you try. Parents who claim they can control their teens are engaging in wishful thinking or are just fortunate enough to have had teens that didn’t rebel.
I was like you, giving my kids freedom of choice as much as possible. I never argued about hair or clothing – I let that be between the school and the students. When they turned 16, I let them choose whether to work while in school and how to spend their money. I let them choose their friends. I was not uninvolved – I frequently expressed my values and moral standards. I had many talks about choices and consequences, especially when it came to the “big three:” drinking, driving, and sex. Beyond that, I knew that they would do what they wanted to do, no matter how hard I tried to control them. I hoped and prayed that they would make good choices.
I think I did the same thing with all three of my kids, but not surprisingly, they all responded differently. One did everything we considered “right:” excelled in school, chose amazing supportive friends, pretty much stayed away from boys until she was 16, and got scholarships to excellent schools. Another mostly behaved but seemed very unmotivated in school; he was extremely intelligent but didn’t seem to want to make the most of his talents. The third got pregnant at 15.
You tell me, if parents can control their children that easily, how did three kids with the same parenting turn out so differently? And here’s the real story. All of them at this point are doing very well. The motivated overachiever is still achieving in college and has a promising future. The unmotivated underachiever found his niche in college; once he matured he found he loved learning and is now in graduate school pursuing a Ph.D. The teen mom turned her life around for the sake of her child. She ditched the bad peer group, is going to college, and plans to attend medical school later.
Life has a way of working out. Parents do the best they can, and 99% of the time, it’s good enough. I bet your children will do just fine. Just keep giving them love and support. They really do grow up; it just takes some longer than others. For what it’s worth, I would have done the same as you.
My kids do not have complete control over their lives. As long as they live in our house, they have to do what we say.
They are not allowed to get tattoos or piercings until they are 18.
They are not allowed to date until they are 16.
They are not allowed to freely go out with friends, we need to know where they are, what they are doing and who they are with at all times.
They are allowed to pick their own clothes as long as they are showing too much, that goes for the boys having their butts hanging out too.
They are allowed to do their hair any way they want as long as it isn’t too extreme. We do not allow crazy colors or wacky styles.
They have to do chores around the house. They don’t get paid for them, they do it because they live here and need to help out.
However we do let them watch anything they want on tv or movies and listen to any music they want and watch any music videos.
They should have enough control but know the consequences of their choice for example your daughter lost her job because of her principles, I can understand that but in the real world when mum & dad aren’t their she’s going to have learn to compromise if she wants to continue her vegan life style and not buy those clothes she wants or if she really needs new clothes go to a thrift store and buy them.
I have principle and stand by them, but being able to pay the bills feed, clothe and house my children, husband and myself have to come before them and thinking about it whilst writing this my number one principle is to care for my family.
Anyone who says kids don’t need structure and rules is a hippie. Period. I’m not saying you’re a bad person for what you’ve done, but you will be forced to pay the consequences by either, “reteaching” her proper values and discipline, or being left to pick up the pieces or force tough love on her, when she comes running to you for help. Either way, lessoned learned. I think creativity should be encouraged, but if my child’s chosen form or creative were defacing buildings, I’d have to draw the line. I’m not changing MY ways, for any child. If my son wants to become a vegan, that is fine, but meat will be on the table, and any additional foods he requires, he can buy himself, and I mean that. If my son wants to forgo college and backpack through Europe, that’s fine, he can do it on his dime. Its a matter of letting them make their own choices, but not backing down from what you think is right.
If I recall, this is the same S.D. that is handed everything on a silver platter, cell phone, car, car insurance? Those were not her choices, those were her handouts, that has nothing to do with being “allowed” to choose, those were gimmies, and she gladly accepted them. You can undo what you’ve done. Let her know, she’s been given the gift of freedom, whilst you supported her for years. And now that she’s a legal adult, she can learn to provider he own “free” lifestyle without your assistance.