How Can I Stop This Feelings Of Hate And Resentment Towards My Father?

I am a 31 year old male, my main issue is that i get disconnected from everything and everyone, everything seems to be the same moment, and in this moment I am always overwhelmed, sometimes more than others. I feel sad, impotent, less than others, alone, and suicidal thoughts are not uncommon when i get down in the dumps.
All my life I have been afraid, like a big shadow is over me, making me feel less and nervous and makes me doubt about myself and the good things in me. I ve been feeling like that since i child, as an adult I am aware is not healthy to feel like this.
The root of this I imagine is because the relationship i had with my father, since I can remember I was always being hit, called names and put in situations that i cant understand why. I ll give you some examples.
I was about 5 when my dad offered me a cigarette, I accepted it and then he proceeded to slap with full strengh and then he told me i shouldnt smoke.
Around 7 or 8 he was cheating on my mom, i walked in to his office and he got some girl on his legs,
of course an 8 year old is going to tell his mom, I got hit again that time, i was called a traitor. etc,.
He used to make me get on my knees and make me ask for forgiveness, creating this anxiety so big that i would get anxiety attacks, and then he would hit me until he was tired, all because something so minimal, like being loud or getting a bad grade, that kind of punishment was very common.
The incidents are endless, as the insults and the physical abuse.
To make it short, I had to move out the country after he put a gun in my head. I havent talk to him since then, but I think about him everyday, sometimes i dont know why it hurts so much and It makes me so angry that he was the way he was, cause I used to love him so much and why he would that to me, I have tried to forgive him, but the scars are so noticeable that even If I want to, It just seems that I cant. This has affected the relationship with my mother, some how I feel like she let me down, letting me go through all that abuse.
I suffer from anxiety, social phobia, and low self steam. I know my inner child is broken, I need help please, I dont know if I can keep going on. Nothing makes sense or seems to be important, it is like everything is gray.
I dream of him everyday.
I have tried to man up, and be strong but deep inside I am so afraid , so broken, so sad, so alone.
If anyone has gone through something similar and has already overcome it, I would appreciate your input.